you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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