I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
