Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
