Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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