I think my vagina is haunted
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
