Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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