his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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