The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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