i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
