Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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