You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
