just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
