turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
