the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Randomize
