I can't watch pbs sober anymore
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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