did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
