Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
