I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
