She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
