I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
