I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Everyone says I win the strip club
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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