Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
