I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
He shit in the fireplace
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
