I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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