Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
