if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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