An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Thank you for not boning my boss.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
