Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
