Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
