It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
