I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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