Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
