ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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