i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
