My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
