This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize