I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
