she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
