STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
