Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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