I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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