Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
