If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
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I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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