Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
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Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
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Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
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