it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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