Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
