he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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