for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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