Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
