his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I forget how to act sober
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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