I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
