She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
