You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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