she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
