I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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