The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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