I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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