just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
