I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
