im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
a search helicopter?!
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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