like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I am naked and annoyed.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
